NATURAL DEATH RATE UP
In a "disturbing" report, researchers have revealed that the number of people dying from "natural causes" has been steadily increasing over the last ten years. According to Dr. Mervyn
Calkins of the privately-funded Mortality Research Institute, "We at MRI are studying very closely what we regard as a disturbing trend, that is a steady uptick in deaths due to natural causes as opposed to deaths due to trauma, disease or other external factors."
When asked what his institution proposes to do about it, Calkins replied, "Well, naturally, we only gather the data. It is up to the medical industry to take positive action against this dire threat facing humanity." He added, "We are in the process of calling together the great minds in the business and government sectors. In the coming weeks we will sponsor a series of symposiums to formulate strategies against this mortal threat. We will," he concluded emphatically, "do everything in our power to address the root cause of this horrible scourge, and stamp out nature wherever we find it."
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I had no idea what my wife wanted for Christmas, but I went shopping anyway. I had to quit after a few minutes because this feeling of listlessness came over me..
HERE'S THE LATEST...
"I'm at my wit's end, Doc," the despairing patient said to his therapist. "I just don't know what's wrong with me. Some days I feel like a fifth, and I say what's the point, too."
"Calm down, my friend," the doctor said soothingly. "I know what your problem is. You're simply two-tenths."
A MATTER OF COURSE
When I retired, I decided to try golf. Rather, golf decided to try me.
Not too long ago, there was a TV commercial for some life-extending drug or another, and the guy in it claimed to be a terrible golfer. I tried out for the part, but I wasn't good enough to be terrible.
But I'm philosophical about it. These pro golfers, they start about age six or younger. I started at age sixty. So they should be ten times as good as I am. So the way I figure, if they shoot a 72, if I shoot anything under a 720, I'm ahead of the game.
Hi! Welcome to Steve’s HaHa Land. When I’m not studying history or trying to save the world for us by saving it from us, little yuks (or yuchs) come to me (quite often in the wee hours – you guys of advanced age can appreciate the true meaning of that term), and I just have to jot them down (“My tablets, my tablets. ‘Tis meet I put this down.”) Well, usually it’s sticky notes or the like, but it does get put down, and what follows is the result. My family has suffered long enough and it’s time to share the load.
Most of this stuff is original, but feel free to pass it on. As far as I’m concerned, there’s no greater honor to a writer than to be quoted. Just give credit where credit’s due and refer others to this blog. A few are borrowed from unknown sources and will be noted as such.
The collection is a real potpourri of styles: some not-so-real news articles al a The Onion; some Tom Swifties (you know, things like, “I’m getting sick of all these damned exams,” Bill said testily); some word play; some awful “dad jokes” (how sexist – moms can tell groaners, too); and whatever bit of tartness pops into my head. They will all remain on this site for the benefit (or agony) of newcomers, but the latest will appear first for the benefit of my fan.
There will even eventually appear a comedy monologue that will never make the clubs, because lie-down comics just don’t cut it, and that’s where most of these, (like most of us for that matter) are conceived. Stay tuned and keep laughing. WARNING: Some of these offerings may not exactly be politically correct, but no offense intended. If you can’t take a joke, go read Scientific American or something. Here goes:
MORE STEVE'S SWIFTIES
“I’m fed up with working in a Goodyear dealership,” he said tiredly.
“Where’s the light switch? I can’t see a thing,” he said darkly.
“I have no idea whom I’m leaving my fortune to,” the billionaire said airily.
“No, I think I’ll pass on renovating this house to sell,” he said flippantly.
“How do you like the pudding?” she asked hastily.
GPS GLITCH GUIDES FAMILY TO REALLY WRONG TURN
Amid a cacophony of shrieks of horror and whoops of joy, the Parks family SUV, due to an errant GPS reading, pulled into the parking lot of B4 the Fall Nudist Camp and Golf Resort last Sunday.
While Sue Parks vainly attempted to deter husband Frank from exiting the car to ask directions of a passing, obviously natural blonde, fifteen-year-old Mark was heard to remark, “Man, check out those hooters,” while budding twelve-year-old sister Natalie looked on enviously and five-year-old Francine petulantly pouted, “Where? I don’t see no owls.”
“The son of a bitch never asks for directions,” Sue Parks was heard to fume. “How can he possibly be taking half an hour down at the pool?”
Following Frank’s return to the car with his new-found guide, he was observed releasing air from a rear tire and heard to remark, “Well, damn, honey, I guess we’re stuck here a little while longer while we wait for AAA,” which, the nearest garage being 140 miles distant, took three hours of the Parks’ vacation time.
Meanwhile, while the kids gorged themselves on moose tracks ice cream in the camp mess hall and Frank communed with nature, Sue busied herself by making physical comparisons or contrasts between Frank and the male residents of the resort.
Swiftie of the day: “I have a signed copy of Credence Clearwater’s first big hit,” Mary said proudly.
(Source unknown) Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic, dyslexic guy who stayed awake all night wondering if there is a Dog? In that same vein, what about the other guy who stayed awake all night wondering where the sun went? It finally dawned on him. (Source also unknown)
As a large cargo ship was approaching one of its usual ports of call, the captain asked the first mate, "So what do we have for this place?" The mate consulted his manifest and replied, "All we have is a large carton of Halloween masks." With a dismissive wave, the captain said, "Ah, that's not even worth docking for. Just send my boat in with them." The mate replied, "Yes, sir," and ordered the boat loaded. As it departed for shore, one of the crewmen said to another, "Look. There goes the launch that shipped a thousand faces."
Did you hear about the songwriter that was so good, he took a tranquilizer and composed himself?